Dec 11
Cutting The Right Wire
So..
It's almost Christmas, and I can't really say that it's the best time of year for me, it's not always the best time, but it's time.. And time is something I really don't like right now. Pisses me right off. Why?
I guess God hates me.
I've been put in charge of my Film Festival at my school, and it's been a load of shit, considering most of my class is a bunch of slackers, like I can be when it comes to AutoCad. I don't really like schoolwork, but I gotta get started sometime.. I think I ain't gonna pass this year.
Oh well..
Maybe I can pull up a second class next year, not sure on everything yet.
I'm pulling the strings of my mentality here, as I continue to struggle through life. Pushing and pulling, back and forth, and it's all complete with the force of no technology.
That's right, I have no internet access.
Reason 1.
Computer died.
Reason 2.
Xbox ran out.
Reason 3.
Laptop is missing.
Not to mention my current financial situation is going out the fucking window. There's not much I can say about that, but I feel as if though I keep letting people down. It's a very strong feeling, especially since my social life has gone down the fucking tube.
And I feel even worse about my love life..
I feel as though I left her down, I hurt her, and there isn't anything I can do..
No more special moments between us..
No more anything.
And it's all.
My.
Fault.
I let my friends down, and ultimately myself.
Oct 10
Father Time Never Stops For Me
Entry for October 10th, 2008.
Doing: Chatting with Hannah, posting here.
Listening to: Tales of Vesperia music - Betting in this Bout
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So, today's been one hell of a week.
And for me, that's saying something right there.
Considering that I've taken two weeks off school already to.. Better my health in a sense, it just doesn't seem to work all the time. Now, I'm bored with life. I want something MORE. Like others would do. They would say, consider new possibilites, but I'm just a teenager, what can I do?
Well there are several things that I COULD do, but I don't WANT to do them, like they tell me to pursue something like a hobby.
WRONG SIR, WRONG.
I want to run away from everyday life like this, and go somewhere new.
..Too bad I can't do much..
I know I am a bit of a failure, especially at the sad fact that I can't drive. I've been traumatized by having an accident..Not even 4 weeks after learning..
It's hard sometimes..
I wonder if I can do anything at all some days, if I'm really worth anything at all.
It just pains me to think that I'm such a useless thing.. That I can't do what other people can and can't do..
I feel so useless..
..Maybe I am?
Sep 3
The Tragic Prince
Entry for Tuesday September 2nd, 2008
Doing: Relaxing
Listening to: Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - Prologue
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...
Die Monster! You don't belong in this world!
"It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh..I was called here by "Humans" who wish to pay me tribute!"
Tribute!? You steal men's souls, and make them your slaves!
"Perhaps the same could be said of all religions!"
Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a savior as you!
"What is a man?! A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk, have at you!"
- Elxyk
Aug 18
Out of sight, Out of Mind
Entry for Monday August 18th, 2008
Doing: Eating some TV dinners
Listening to: Opeth - The Grand Conjouration
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Alright so let's begin with how AWESOME my weekend was..
On Saturday, I had to get up at 6:00 and be to work for 7 to wash trucks, simple right?
WRONG.
You see, apparently, it's harder that it looks, and it doesn't take just soapy water to just magically clean up a truck..Nooo..It takes a few buckets, some chemicals, and a raging hard on for determination.
Regardless of such, my partner, Johnny who is also my supervisor, can't scrub anything for shit! So I ended up doing all of the trucks my Goddamn self. It figures as such..That I'm the only one who does the damn outside, while he just nitpicks at where I "Missed a spot! *Smile*".
And what's he do in the middle of the day?!
At about 10 o clock he gets called back on an order, to go deliver THREE BOXES of ground turkey..Leaving me, ON MY OWN.
Now, think of me as some uncommon sense freak.
But if you're given two BUCKETS of chemicals, along with two brushes and a cloth. What the fuck are you supposed to do?!
I mean, I don't KNOW which chemical should go where..
I don't know how to brush with these brushes properly..
And I probably would have had better luck with a rag, if he pulled into the goddamn dock!
..So after 10 hours of gruelling sun time..
We got 3 Trucks done.
Yes, out of 8 trucks, we got three done..
..My boss is SUUUURELY going to be happy with me.
..Christ..
- Elxyk
Aug 15
The Negative Impulse Of Today
Entry for Friday August 15, 2008.
Doing: Nothing.
Listening to: Nothing.
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People say things..
People ignore other people..
But where does it all lead to? A couple of moments of common interest? Backstabbing? Rumors? Yes well..I realize now how much I WANT to be a social outcast.
As I sit here at 5 AM in the morning I think about many things.
Where am I going with my life?
Who will I meet?
And most importantly...Why am I here?
And in light of recent events I'm even hesitant in going anywhere without punching a few people's lights out.
It kills me to realize that people do stupid things. And yet denial shows in full force. I am one of these people.
We all do stupid things..But for how long must it go on? I even feel like a fucking idiot sitting here writing this.
I may be rambling just like a great friend of mine. You may call me a poser. But he is my said inspiration for this note.. He's a really good guy. One of the most amazing people you'll ever meet. People take him for granted so easily though...Makes me sad just thinking about it.
He likes so many things that people take for granted and find deviant or even retarded. He looks at life simply at the big picture. I respect this man beyond anybody else that I know in this small rural town.
And then...There's that significant other..The one who overreacts..If you actually take time to read this note and know this person. Then you'll all look at me saying "What's the big deal?", "You're a fucking asshole for writing this." or even possibly "Get a fucking life."
And that would be 98.9 percent of the majority of you fuckers out there saying that.
To be honest. I could care less if you side with people or not..I don't care what you say.
I know what I did..Let me stab at myself for God sake.
But no..People REFUSE to let it go..people refuse to grow up and people continue for killing and stabbing at others who are hurt.
I AM HURT. YES THAT'S RIGHT I AM!...Does it matter to anyone? No..Probably not..
Perhaps I meant to do this?..
Was I just being an overrated self centered attention whore?
I see what most people say about me..
Sure it might start off with a simple "Hello"..But I can see right through that..And that simple "Hello" was twisted from a "You're a fucking creep. Get away from me."
And that would be 70% of you in conversation. It's the simple backstabbing process..
"What can I say about this guy to Mark?"
"Where is this person foolish?"
Ah socialism..You've got your "Alpha-Male" of the social pack..The leader..The one who can seemingly do no wrong..And then of course..There's the followers..The ones who seek out the deviants and kill them..
It's sad to say but I know too many people that are like this..
And it also hurts..That I was "killed" in a sense..Like this..
I have feelings just like the rest of you..
So live..And learn..I know I did..
But the rest of you fuckers out there continuing to be immature..
I could care less if you do something stupid..At least I won't talk about it and make it sound like you were the bad one..
Put yourselves in MY shoes for a change..And leave me alone..
-Elxyk
Aug 15
"Torment"
Entry for Friday, August 15, 2008
Doing: Nothing.
Listening to: Nothing.
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Torment around me.
Torment in me.
Torment be with me.
And let us conquer our foes.
They do not understand our pain.
Do you?
No.
Not a soul can.
And for that,
We shall make them feel the torment..
The torment that inhabits my soul.
Aug 15
Modesty for Dummies
Entry for Friday August 15, 2008
Doing: Sitting
Listening to: Nothing.
- Quote:
It can include:
* Moderation in one's actions or appearance, not wishing to attract undue attention to oneself;
* Downplaying one's accomplishments (see humility);
* False or Sham modesty, a form of boasting through insincere self-abasement;
* Modesty about sexuality and the display of the human body, especially taboos against nudity in many cultures.
-Copyright Wikipedia 2007
Modesty..
A one word shelter for those who wish to keep themselves away from action.
This word can be used for a variety of things..
Job Interviews..
Public Speaking..
Even something simple as asking someone out on a date..
Modesty has it's pros and cons indeed.
For instance..It's a way to show that you're not arrogant..You're mild mannered..You're someone who in a sense is..Nice, calm, and very non extremist.
But..
Is Modesty another way for saying that you're shy of yourself?
I for one know that I am shy..Perhaps too shy..
You see..I never had a male influence growing up..My dad never existed in a sense..He was kicked out of the home..
Now, I know this will raise some questions like.."So what's the problem? Why're you so damn quiet or shy?"
Simply..I didn't have a rolemodel growing up..It was rather hard to get to know other people because, well. I never could "talk the talk" in a sense..This is one trait I really hate about myself..Never learning how to socially adapt with another person..
Of course eventually I adapted and learned my own way of talking to other people..But as you know..Back then girls thought boys were "gross" or "had cooties" and Vice Versa for the boys..I was always friends with a group of boys..Never any girls..Whenever I tried to talk to a girl..Others accused me of liking this girl..Simply because I couldn't see past that they were a girl and not just another human being..
I still feel that this trait follows with me..Everywhere I go..
I look at a friend of mine. And he knows much more than I do..I look to him as my rolemodel now..simply put..I'm trying to learn about how to communicate really..He knows and sees that one person is just another person and shouldn't matter..He is a man of deep thought..And compared to him I am very shallow..Especially when it comes to conversation..
And I will admit..
Being called a pervert has been no walk in the park for me..For the simple fact it was accidental most of the time..
But I digress before I go any further..It's a trait I need to learn..
I need to learn to look past people..
Just like this friend of mine..
And maybe..Just maybe..I'll finally be able to shake the feeling of insecurity..
Jul 21
Savior Of The Purpose
Entry for July 21, 2008.
Currently: Typing up posts for threads, Starving.
Listening to: Threat Signal - A New Beginning
Rant Start;
Alright, there are a number of things I'd like to point out first.
1. Yes, I am pouring my feelings into this post..Perhaps I just need to get this out of my way, or get it off my chest to get it out of my way.
2. Yes, I'm aware that anyone that reads this will hate me, so suck it the fuck up.
3. Yes, I understand that this could be more whining or complaining about something, but you have to look at things through MY perspective. Hence why it's MY blog and not YOURS. These are MY feelings which are being made into focus that I'm not sure what to deal with.
Anyways, on with the show.
Oh..
And I really don't give a flying fuck about spelling or grammar either.
Alright so as most of you people know, I'm a roleplayer indeed. The place that I chose seems to be the most fitting place for me, so I thought anyway. And I made a character there as well, cause you see, that's the deal with it. In order to have a character there you have to make a profile.
My character is a "hero" of that from the 20th century point, when gangs ran the cities for no reasons except for violence and torture. Suddenly, he wins and gets sent to jail. Now he's a social nightmare with everyone..
And I fucking hate it!!
I hate the fact that people are flaunting about just because Iw asn't part of the original story..It just seems that I can never fit in anywhere that I go. My character seems to have some sort of inferiority complex with everyone else and their mom! It's like don't even fucking exist except for post count upping or experince.
Because that's all ym character does, is get his ass kicked, walks away and it's like nothing ever happened.
No story.
No aftermath.
No NOTHING.
It's like I'm being unincluded on everything! And when I try to put myself into something, it requires me to go out of character for several reasons so that way it benefits them! Yes, this is what I feel and no, I'm not sure if this clarifies anything. But it seems that I'm one of the only people who doesn't have anything there.
That's right.
I am THE most USELESS character there.
I'm either there for two reasons.
1. More post count, and nothing afterward.
2. To get my characters ass beat so the others can get stronger and I still get nothing.
Why?
WELL WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK WHY?!
I mean, I do my best to get myself involved, but it just seems that nothing good is there for me. I join an event, and everybody gives me the cold shoulder. Why? Because I'm not as INVOLVED with everyone?! Because I'm not well liked?!
I know my character isn't well liked around the place but please! That doesn't mean to just ignore him out of the blue..
I joined some sort of work/bar thread. I don't know what the fuck to call it..I just know I got royally dropped!
And that's another thing.
I've noticed that I'm not involved in much, just because I don't know the people WELL ENOUGH. Or because I'm not close friends with one of the fucking top dogs there.
FINE.
SO SUE ME THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE FOR 2 FUCKING YEARS!
I don't know how the fuck these places actually manage to keep going, but I'm HURT!
I AM SO HURT BY EVERYONE.
I understand that everyone would like to have thier own story..HOW ABOUT THE NEW PEOPLE FOR A CHANGE?!
I mean, even my character doesn't have a story..
It's just disheartening, knowing that you're there for no purpose. It makes almost no sense whatsoever and it hurts my feelings that I'm being unincluded from everyone else.
And people might read this and go,
"Well what the fuck? Why is he complaining? I'm threadding with him!"
SO WHAT?!
It's not like it's going to make any difference in the future, considering that's all it's going to be is some sort of meeting, along with some shitfaced actions..Nothing at all seems to be anywhere near satisfying that my character is there.
It's like..He's not.
I've just about had my fill, and I'm on my last fucking rope here.
And I can't do much else.
Everyone there is so fucking overpowered, I can't do anything.
As for people who aren't fighting...It's like they have some sort of epic thing going on..I'm like..The ghost in the shell. I don't even fucking exist anymore.
I mean, I look at a few threads, and I see two people meeting for the first time, next thing you know they're going on a fucking date!! Or some weird shit happens and they're magically involved in the story. And I hate that!! I just..Can't seem to fit in..It's like i'm being forced away from everyone on purpose..
And while everyone else is advancing and such, moving onto senior and shit, I'm stuck in my own little fucking Freshman nightmare. Where I'm ignored, and abused..Everyone else is proud of themselves and thier accomplishments..It's like nothing is going to happen to me. I'm not going anywhere. Nowhere. And where people have epic plotlines and shit while going through thier years..
I.
Have.
NOTHING.
I don't know how much more I can take!!..
I'm so hurt by everyone's actions and shit..I think I might just quit.
I don't know what to do..
I just don't..
I'm so angry, and hurt..And confused..I just don't know what to do..
I mean, roleplaying is hobby that I love doing..And for me to be treated like this..
I may as well just kill myself for having nothing at all..
- Elxyk
May 21
Gone
Entry for Tuesday, May 20, 2008.
Listening to: Kenny Chesney - There Goes My Life
Doing: Crying, what else?
Entry:
All he could think about was I'm too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Hell I'm just a kid myself.
How'm I gonna raise one.
All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone.
[Chorus:]
And he said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life.......
A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah..........he loves that little girl.
Momma's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls.
[Chorus:]
He smiles.....
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you, daddy good-night.
There goes my life.
She had that Honda loaded down.
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said you're good to go.
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast.
[Chorus:]
And he cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby good-bye.
There goes my life.
There goes my life.
Baby good-bye.
Not my situation..But..
..There goes my life.
Elxyk signing out..
May 18
Personification
Entry for Sunday, May 18th.
Currently;
Listening to: Born of Osiris - Empires Erased
Doing: Eating cookies. Chocolate chip. Talking to Luis (Saigon).
Reason behind song: It's quite simple..I'm a metal head. I like my death metal, black, like my coffee.
Entry:
I feel like breaking a castle down with my own two hands right now.
Or at least something destructive along that level.
Hello again, fellow idiots of despair.
So today, I pictured myself on the top of a castle abandoned by everything and everyone. With thousands upon millions of demonic looking people surrounding the every spot around the castle, where you couldn't see the earth anymore. Just crazed freaks growling and snarling.
And what did I do?
I jumped in and started pulling some Jet Li kung fu.
I'm far behind on schoolwork, yet my teacher suggests that I stay there.
However, i'm not going to because I don't want to be at this shithole another year.
Much like the rest of you don't want peanut butter sandwiches after too many servings.
As Scott so blatently put it once, Canadians are adreneline junkies.
..That much is true.
..Should I really be giving out relationship and therapy?
Yes?
No?
Especially of my standing.
I'm so hardcore it's not even funny..Should people be coming to me for advice?
I'll let you public fools decide that.
Anyway, Cookies call.
Night everyone.
Elxyk signing out.
8:43 AM Feb 10