Feb 3
Just my thoughts, that is all
Why is it that one's troubles always conclude to a flaw within one's very self? I know that mankind is not perfect in any way. But does fighting with one's self really enable us to go beyond the obstacle and become the strongest person we can be?
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
Dec 18
Annoying Colleagues
Ok I know I've been annoyed with my colleagues in the past, but recently, the guy who works at the bar, Ivor, is really testing my patience. He is only still working there because he has to a pay a mortgage, which really is a shit excuse "I'm sorry, I can't leave because I have a mortgage to pay!" I am sorry but I don't think I can take his crap any more. I was getting annoyed yesturday with his horrible carol singing in my ear as I try to sing. Even I can sing better than him, many people have told me I have a lovely singing voice but I don't think I do untill now. I could have punched in the stomach to wind him so he would shut the hell up. I tried looking for my own copy of the carols but I didn't find any spare.
But today, OMG I could have walked out with the way he treated me. I was working on the Restaurant, with my dear friend Ritch. We are more than capable of working the restaurant as we are the longest members of waiting staff. HOWEVER, Ivor decides to go into "manager" mode and start telling us to do our work. I am sorry, but he know how we do things in the restaurant? We had everything under control. Seriously, Ritch and I are a great team but Ivor goes and knocks me off balance and makes me angry. First off he tells me "When" I need to clear a table. I have my own eye's, I can see when they are all finished. I am not a fucking dumbass you is blind. I've looked after the restaurant on my own many times and I've had no problem. I was even told that for the lunch time shift, he was sent home early because of his attitude.
Later on, Ivor decides to go and refil the gravy boat from a table, and he comes out from the kitchen saying "You should have done this". I turn round and said to him " then you should have asked me to". I am getting fed up with his attitude but when he does come up to talk to me, he is like two inches away from my nose. I am sorry but the only person I want that close to my face is my fiance.
Oh but to top off the evening with constantly telling Ritch and I that a table has finished eaten is driving me round the freaking bend. Even when I am about to check to see if a table has finished, he moans at me and tells me to clear. Then when he comes to help us take out the food to the table, it pisses me off even more because he isn't very good at what he does and when he is meant to be working at the bar, he doesn't even stay there at all. He wonders off and decides he will come and piss off Ritch and I by thinking he is helping, when he is making things worse.
Then when Ritch and myself are discussing what to do about put the tables pre-ordered food on the till, he goes and says "am I just going to do your work for you, you lazy *something*?" I openly said "well leave it alone then". If someone is going to complain about doing other people's work for them, when they are meant to be working at a different post, you don't constantly tell them what to do and then complain when they "decide" they are going to do the work instead.
If he attitude does no improve before my shift tomorrow, then I am going to scream. Oh and another thing, he is the nosiest fucking prick a fucking live. He is trying to get me to date someone on the shit hole that is the Isle of Wight. I am sorry, but I've dated a few people here and none of them even come close to my fiance, well he is my fiance.. DUH!! I really do hate it when people who don't know me, try to tell me what to do. He is really going to get an ear ful tomorrow if he pisses me off like he did today.
Aug 21
Well the wedding has begun its planning stage
Well after finally getting round to talking about our wedding, it feels more kind of set in stone almost. Except the part where my fiance wants to offically ask for my Dad's approval and properally propose. Otherwise, we are most of the way there. Its strange to think i would be here planning. I know when most girls are young, they plan their own wedding, which is something I never did because I always thought I would be alone and I loved being a child too much to think about adult stuff.
So after talking with my fiance, its put my mind into excitement mode. I know who my maid of honour is, and I have an idea of my bridesmaids. So that part was delt with a while ago, its just down to asking them really.
- Quote:
[23:35:28] SolKing2: if you want
[23:36:05] Sazzy: well what you to do at our wedding??
[23:36:20] Sazzy: I know you want use to light saber duel down the aisle
[23:36:39] SolKing2: well I was kidding about that
[23:36:55] Sazzy: awwwww ok well what then?
[23:37:02] Sazzy: I don't want a wedding all about me...
[23:37:59] SolKing2: we could use the lightsabers during the dancing
[23:38:20] Sazzy: ok
[23:38:31] Sazzy: what else?
[23:38:52] Sazzy: what colours should we use?
[23:38:53] SolKing2: idk
[23:39:13] SolKing2: I'm not good at these things
[23:39:15] Sazzy: you want to have dark grey suites
[23:39:23] Sazzy: with red?
[23:39:57] SolKing2: how about black and red
[23:40:23] SolKing2: the suit is black and shirt is black but the tie is red
[23:40:45] Sazzy: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[23:41:37] Sazzy: what do you think the bridesmaids should wear?
[23:41:54] Sazzy: crimson red is used a lot
[23:42:00] Sazzy: so just bright red?
[23:42:20] Sazzy: with white flowers.. then i have a white dress with red flowers
[23:42:32] SolKing2: thats kool
[23:43:13] Sazzy: ok
[23:45:05] Sazzy: do we have a paige boy and girl?
[23:45:58] Sazzy: or flower girl.. what ever you call them
[23:46:41] SolKing2: well they aren't that necessary
[23:46:55] SolKing2: the bestman holds the rings also
[23:46:59] Sazzy: yeah I just wondered....
[23:47:15] Sazzy: at my aunties wedding.. Andy and I were paige girl and boy
[23:47:28] SolKing2: aww
[23:47:29] Sazzy: we sang " Make me a channel of your peace" during the servise
[23:47:33] SolKing2: little weewah
[23:47:39] Sazzy: service*
[23:48:04] Sazzy: I dunno if you know that hymn
[23:48:11] SolKing2: idk
[23:48:31] SolKing2: well if we can't get anyone for those positions then don't worry
[23:48:54] Sazzy: yeah. I do have cousins with children.. but I dunno
[23:49:05] SolKing2: that can wait
[23:49:08] Sazzy: ok
[23:49:24] Sazzy: shall we use red and white to decorate the church?
[23:49:32] SolKing2: sure
[23:49:39] SolKing2: do you have a church picked out?
[23:49:47] Sazzy: with a black rose in the middle..
[23:49:58] SolKing2: black rose means death
[23:50:10] Sazzy: ooooooo cool
[23:50:15] Sazzy: death to the bride
[23:50:18] Sazzy: but anyway..
[23:50:33] SolKing2: aww
[23:50:49] Sazzy: my church is undergoing some reconstruction and should be done by september.. but I dunno about that.
[23:51:35] SolKing2: ok
[23:52:02] Sazzy: or there is another church that is near a town center but I will show you when you get here and you can pick
[23:53:42] SolKing2: ok baby
[23:56:55] Sazzy: ohh one thing... do we want two people give little sermons?
[23:58:01] SolKing2: how about just one so we don't fall asleep
[23:58:22] Sazzy: well I was going to limit them to 8 minutes each
[23:58:23] Sazzy:
[23:58:37] Sazzy: but one is ok... save the rest till the speaches right
[23:58:46] SolKing2: well if we have people from my family they throw chairs if you preach to them
[23:59:06] Sazzy: ohhh ok
[23:59:34] SolKing2: yea half my family are christians and the other half fight the christians
[23:59:51] SolKing2: like Manny
[23:59:59] Sazzy: so who will say the sermon?
[00:00:09] Sazzy: or speaj
[00:00:13] Sazzy: speak*
[00:00:32] SolKing2: I don't know but my parents might not go depending on what happens
[00:01:18] Sazzy: will they accept it if i pay for a ticket?
[00:02:12] SolKing2: maybe
[00:02:16] Sazzy: or pay towards them coming
[00:02:27] Sazzy: I can't have your parents missing your wedding
[00:02:51] SolKing2: yea
[00:05:04] Sazzy: ok
[00:05:34] Sazzy: ok do you want a traditional service?
[00:07:26] SolKing2: I guess
[00:08:33] Sazzy: or we can sort out our own order of service..
[00:09:54] SolKing2: whichever i dot mindn'
[00:10:06] Sazzy: I will stop asking questions now
[00:10:17] SolKing2: keep going
[00:10:26] Sazzy: ok...
[00:10:47] Sazzy: would you be ok with having a jazz band play at the reception?
[00:10:57] Sazzy: Simon is in a Jazz band.
[00:11:22] SolKing2: only if they don't sound lame
[00:11:40] Sazzy: well you will hear them rehearse as they rehearse here at home
[00:12:35] Sazzy: I was just thinking about costs of getting a band..
[00:14:19] SolKing2: yea that can be expensive
[00:15:01] Sazzy: what shall be played for our first dance?
[00:15:08] Sazzy: if you want to have a first dance
[00:17:09] SolKing2: hmmmm
[00:18:45] Sazzy: its hard right? or is it just me
[00:19:34] SolKing2: its hard
[00:19:54] Sazzy: I don't want a corny song
[00:22:02] SolKing2: me neither
[00:23:03] Sazzy: we can decide that when you get here I suppose.
[00:23:17] Sazzy: so we can hear a few together etc
[00:24:18] SolKing2: yea
[00:24:44] Sazzy: we can decide invites later too.
[00:24:52] Sazzy: once we get the church sorted..
[00:25:19] Sazzy: and the place for the reception
[00:26:19] SolKing2: yea we have to know how many people can we fit in there
[00:27:28] Sazzy: yeah but really we have to give your family enough notice so they can get time off work and book flights etc.
[00:30:17] SolKing2: yea I know thats why I'll tell everyone the next time I see them
[00:30:28] Sazzy: ok
[00:30:40] Sazzy: so are we aiming for a June wedding?
[00:31:02] SolKing2: yea that gives us 6 months to save and get ready
[00:31:10] Sazzy: ok cool
Really, we still have the big things to sort out, but its better to sort them out together properly then breifly now.
May 19
Hard Times
Recently, things have been a little hectic with so much going on recently. Maybe I am trying to juggle too much in one go but I really don't know how else to do it. I've had work pick up again and I've been called in for shifts most of the week, but there is only so much running around being a servant for people who are more experienced. I am a dancer/Choreographer not a waitress. My whole life has been about dancing and to really perform ballet and contemporary. Yet I haven't done that in almost a year and I don't know where else to go to make sure I don't loose my youthful enthusiasm of dancing. I would really love to do hold certain classes to get people to come. Its just getting the time and travel arrangements sorted.
So while I miss dancing so much and not having any classes for people like me, but I am trying to find time to study to be a web designer while dealing with a job I don't like doing till I can hand in my notice and get a 9-5 job as a web designer. Its just there isn't much time in the day to do studying, working and putting the skills to some practice.
I know I told my partner that when I move in with him, I will be saying good bye to my dancing career, which I will probably regret but dancing doesn't hold a stable income to put enough food on the table day after day. Especially, as a choreographer, its even harder to try to find space to choreograph and then find venues that will let you perform there.
I am torn between two sides, one side is where I get a stable career that will help bring food and a place to live or sit around wondering what to do but not really moving any where because your too scared of drowning. I am still confused and I keep getting confused too easily. Even my partner keeps bringing up things that really hit home and I just end up going quiet because I don't know how to act or reply. Its either sit there and acknowledge that my partner thinks I should get stronger but experiencing the toughness of life. Which I don't think I can do, I am someone that has a lot of habbits with worrying being one of them and I don't know what really to do because I don't want to offend him but how can I just drop being in an almost stable part of life when I move out of my parents and start earning my own money.
To dropping everything just so I can experience what life is like the way he has experienced life. I do love him but asking to just drop everything so I can learn to have a carefree life where money isn't important as long as you have a loved on, is something I can't comprehend in my mind. All I see is myself going crazy with worrying and ending up in a mental institution. I have always worried about many things in life. Its just something that do and if I don't worry then things just won't work out. If I can't worry and bring things to my attention then how I am going to be on top of things and know what is going and what isn't going on because I have a carefree attitude where I don't know if I am coming or going.
May 4
I have my PSP back
Well after not having a PSP for almost a month because I bricked it.. just by changing the skin. I finally hacked it again using Pandora magic stick and soft hacking the battery to get it work again. But at least it is back up and running and I get back to play Disgaea. Which I am only level 25 after playing 60 hours... I am a total noob what can I say.
Well at least now I have something to take me away from the computer for a while rather than sitting my desk chair all day.
Apr 26
Why is it?
Why is it that when people say "You can talk to me any time you want". Yet when you want to talk them about something that is really getting you down, you can't find them. Its either that or if they are around, you can't feel like you can talk to them. For me, it is either because I don't want to alter their mood or it is because I don't know how to really word what I am really feeling. I can't explain things well and I really do try to keep it simple but when I do that, it still won't make any difference. I can pour my heart out only for someone to just say "its ok". I mean come one, I've actually opened up to you and all you can say is "its ok". Its obvious not ok if I am sat here, almost crying my eyes out and asking for help.
It would really be nice for once, for someone to not just say those two words, but to carry on with the bloody sentence. If someone is asking for help, then for goodness sake, give it to them and really be supportive.
I've tried countless times to go to someone for help. Which is rather rare for me. So for me to ask someone to listen to me, is a big thing yet when I do, all I seem to do is just talk about things. I hardly get advise or even good advise. I am just left there hanging on by a thread till it just breaks and I am left on the ground in pieces.
Apr 22
Future Planning
Today has actually been a really cool, one that has cheered me up after almost two weeks of being down.But today felt like a new start. I know I might have been a pain to some people I know and they might have worried about me. But really what it really came down to, was me needing to really rely on my partner as well as doing something different to boost my confidence.
Look at today, I had my hair cut and after I had it cut, I was really pleased. It was something that can only be done once in a while and just being able to get it done meant a lot. Ok it was a bit expensive. But seeing as it really cheered me and was something that I needed, it was really worth it. It may not have been a big difference. However, to me, it was something that gave me a confidence boost.
In addition, I was also able to have a really good conversation about my future with my boyfriend. I know that to some it may not be much of a surprise, but after having a really good talk with him, we both decided to say that yes there is a wedding in the making. We have been together for 1 year and 5 months, so naturally, a proposal occurred and ikkle Sazzy here said yes! (without hesitation I might add). I suppose I can't really call myself "ikkle" any more seeing as I am 22 and getting married. But it really cheered me up when now there is no longer any reason to keep it hidden, well maybe from parents as they haven't met their soon to be son-in-law. But I don't mind, I am engaged to someone who loves me so much that I now longer have any reason to hide it.
I am not really one to plan a wedding as I never thought I would be the one getting married. But now that I am, I don't know where to start. I mean I was thinking having white and gold but that is as far as I have gotten. How does one start to plan a wedding anyway? come on, its something that to me will only happen once and I don't even know where to begin. It is something that will mean the most to be. Being able to say I love my fiance so much that no matter what happens, I am going to stand by him and get through what ever troubles we have. Even recently, with us having some troubles in our relationship, we are still together and love each other so much. If we can over something like that then we will still be able to tackle any other obstacles life throws at us.
Today, we did talk about the schedule of our wedding, because we are from different countries, we have to accommodate a suitable line up as people have to travel. So we talked about having the wedding over the weekend. Plan it so that it can be done in what four days so people don't have to miss much of work etc. At least it is a start right?
Well I am sure to keep you up dated with what is going on, but that is if I am able to contain the excitement!
Apr 18
Should I go?
When ever I get really down and start to worry about the future, I always seem to give people the cold shoulder. Maybe I am better off living alone and just aim to making my friends happy. They are what matters. But when its my boyfriend whom I push away, I start to feel really sick deep down and I just want to die. If I hurt the ones closest to me the most, then what is the point of ever having someone that close to me. I really tried to just pass it off as nothing. But I failed.
Talking about the future and moving away to a place where I don't have any friends is really hard. Not only that but I am leaving behind my best friend. She has been there for me since the beginning of high school and there is no way I can just leave her after everything she has done for me. I would feel too guilty to do such a thing.
I know things between my boyfriend and I have been rocky because of me being the one who has to move. Even telling him I don't want to move hasn't worked. He makes me feel guilty when he then says he misses him. Maybe he does know my weakness all to well (making others happy is all I want to do weakness), and use it to his advantage. Or its most likely that I am really never going to be girlfriend material and I deserve to feel pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness so I can be an example of what people shouldn't become.
Even when my boyfriend tries to get me to talk, I shut down and just try to get him to forget about it. He says he loves me, but what if deep down he can't take it any more. Then I suppose I really have become the person who I always thought I would be. A Lonely depressive person who can't keep hold of anything good because her depression and paranoia get in the way.
I think it would be best that I leave everyone alone for a few weeks or something, till they have forgotten about me and have moved on. I am sure no one wants a depressive friend or girlfriend.
Apr 10
Quitting is all I do
well I have been realizing that my life has always had difficulties. I suppose I didn't really give it much thought as I've had many other things to think about. maybe that is just my thing.
"Someone who always does something else when things get though"
I always know when I am about to fail so I don't feel like there is a point to carrying on with what I was doing. It might sound like a really stupid thing to do, but this is me, I don't do things right sometimes. Its just things this week, have not really been the best they could be. I've been having a lot on my mind and never really sorted them out right.
Anyway, most of the things that have been on my mind, are yet again about self reflection. I've been talking to Eddie about it and I admit, its still bugging me a little. I suppose its like a fault with myself that I hate but don't really know if I can change it or even try to change it. Its like no matter what I to do to change it, it still doesn't work. I always hit a dead end and that is where I stay.
I've always wondered around aimlessly in hope that something comes along and helps change things. Finally when Eddie came into my life it changed. But it only changed most of the things. The things that didn't change are always there to haunt me. I can't get rid of them no matter how hard I try. I don't know what really to do with myself when those small things take over and leave me even more stranded then I was before.
Yeah I can deal with some things but there is only so much I can take because I complete crack, and its happened before so there is nothing stopping it from happening again. I've always seemed to fall apart on occasion and the more it happens, the more I can't prevent it from happening because I've run out of options. Things just always have a way of getting to me and making me feel like shit all the time.
Mar 19
Think you understand me?
I always wondered why I say I understand things when I really I don't. I mean its like I view myself saying something from a third person perspective. Most of the time I even wonder what I am doing as most things just don't make sense. Of course I can say one thing when really its not what I am really thinking or feeling. Like say one thing but really you mean another. I think its called sub context or a riddle.
Like when I say I am a bit better could be a lie and really I am still crying after an hour of talking because the talking might not be enough. Or saying saying nothing is bothering when really something is eating away at me from the inside and I don't know what to do about it. I am someone who wants others to be happy so to do that I cover up how I really feel so they won't suspect anything and effect how they are feeling. Now for some, they might see its just a charade and try to get me to open up but really I know there is more to it but I never want to talk about things. Yes to say "Sazzy you should bottle it all up" or "Sazzy you should really talk about it" because really that will mostly go in one ear and out the other. I've heard that phrase so many times then I just don't listen to it. I have my own way of dealing with my problems and so far, for the past 22 years its done well so far. Of course people still ask, why are you so negative. But there is a good reason and the list time I told someone about that reason they used it against me and treated me like shit that made me cry every day for 9 months.
Yeah I am stupid and not really one to talk about dealing with things but I won't ever change what I do because last time I changed something small about me, that shit happened. So I refuse to let history repeat itself. Ok I've opened up to Eddie a bit more but even now I don't know how long I can last before I start cracking from the pressure of others trying to get me to talk too. I break under pressure so much but I just hide it by appearing like a zombie and wonder around in a daze. I can't even think what it is like to sort things out head on because I am too much of a coward to face up to things. As Ed put it...
- Quote:
[01:00] solking429: say something then think the worst and run away
Why would some one say that and not just walk away from the problematic person? Why stand by someone who causes so much pain? Surly the bad out weighs the good so why stay? I am only a defenseless old cow, who doesn't value her own life above others. Who tries not to appear selfish but fails.
I for instance. Just saying I would commit suicide then live a lonely life had Eddie and Fireandice try to talk me out of it. If I really do cause a lot of trouble then why still want me to live if I feel I can't live alone? Yes I will go to hell for committing suicide but aren't I already going there? I felt alone so many times so to lose the one love of my life just won't make life worth living in my eyes.
Yes I am a negative person so don't try and change me or you will end up loosing me as a friend.
8:50 AM Feb 10